An apple A day
by shaperlord67
Summary: my brother said i could not wright the most messed up fan-fic he has ever read. CHALLENGE EXCEPTED! please note that this fic will cross threw many different series not just doctor who. probably should have put it in crossover :P
1. Chapter 1

The war doctor walked around his tardis counsel, contemplating life in the time war. Suddenly there was a blinding flash of white light, and something knocked him away from the center control thingy. "what is going on?" he yelled. "plot convince!" a familiar voice shouted back. "oh not him again" he mumbled under his breath. He got back up and looked at the very unwelcome visitors. A young man dressed in a pin stripe suit, a younger man in a tweed jacket and bow tie, and an older man with a almost shaved head and black leather jacket.

"whats going on, me?" the war doctor asked angrily. Ten and eleven went to answer at the same time, noticed each other, yelled angrily, and began fighting. Nine tried to stop them, but was knocked down the stairs. War doctor rolled his eyes, and separated his two future selves from killing each other. "behave. Now, what is this all about?" "he messed everything up!" they answered in unison, causing them to go back at each others throats. War doctor threw up his hands in frustration, witch caused him to hit nine, sending him back down the stairs.

The two future doctors finally stooped fighting and explained. "i was going back in time to get chips..." ten said. "at the same time I was going back in time to get a ray gun..." eleven said. "and they kinda crashed" nine said from down on the floor, to afraid to get up. "so we meat each other, and decided..." "that we should change our lives for the better!" the two other doctors said very quickly. They smiled brilliantly. War doctor starred. "that's a really bad story." he said. "who on earth is writing this slope?" "stop breaking the fourth wall." exclaimed nine as he got up, and deiced to eat a banana. "i cant talk you out of this can I?" the war doctor asked the other two.

They shock there heads while simultaneously trying to kill each other with there sonic screwdrivers. "well then" war doctor sighed. "lets get this over with." the two other doctors stooped fighting, and began fiddling with the central control panel. Nine tried to get up to join them, but slipped on the banana peel. With a shake, the tardis arrived at its first detestation. The three doctors threw on their coats and stepped out onto the London docks.

"if we are doing this, were doing this right." the war doctor said. "seeing as you two hate each other for some reason, and nine..." at this moment, nine tripped and fell into the water. "...yeah. Im in charge. Where are we?" both ten and eleven wiped there sonics out... and immediately began arguing about witch was better. Nine tried to use his, but electrocuted himself because he was still in the water. The war doctor rolled his eyes and did the scanning himself. "right." he interrupted the other doctors. "we are at London, 2006 right before the slithen arrive."

"how do you know about the slithen?" asked nine as he climbed out of the water. "i watch tv. Duh" war doctor said. "anyways, sandshoes you will impersonate the prime minister. Eleven, go with nine and take care of the spaceship. Ill handle the big problem. Remember, don't interact with the old doctor." while ten grumbled about being called sandshoes, and nine grumbled about being called old, the four doctors started of. A couple hours later, the war doctor arrived at the Tyler apartment. He knocked at the door. Rose answered it. He punched her in the face.

"always wanted to do that. Destroy the universe for your boyfriend will you?" with that he left, humming happily. Meanwhile, nine and eleven had managed to sneak aboard the slithen ship and were wiring it to exploded. Since there's not really anything funny about that, lets move on. Ten had successfully managed to knock out the prime minister, and was prepared to catch the slitheen when they turned up. Unfortunately, he looked nothing like the prime minister, and was promptly thrown in jail.

At the same time, the war doctor, believing that the other doctors had the slitheen handled, he went down to a tee shop, and ordered some biscuits. Meanwhile, the charges aboard the alien spaceships went of prematurely, while nine was still in it. Back with ten again, he managed to get out of his cell, only to run into more guards. "look, a distraction!" he yelled. The guards grabbed him and threw him back in the cell again. At the same time, the war doctor was enjoying his biscuits. Meanwhile, eleven was trying to find nine, eventually locating him stuck in a shop window, were the explosion had flung him.

Finally all four doctors meat back at the tardis. Ten and eleven immediately started fighting again, knocking nine into the water again. The war doctor just sighed ans shook his head.


	2. Chapter 2

All four doctors were back in the tardis trying to decide were to go next. They decided try to change time again wasn't such a great idea, when they received a reading on their "magic-o-meter". "are what?" asked the tenth doctor. "does the writer no anything about this series?" "stop breaking the fourth wall!" the ninth doctor shouted. "anyways lets go find out what it is" said the eleventh doctor, and soon they arrived at hogwarts.

"OK" said the war doctor "lets split up again. The ninth doctor and Ill go ask the headmaster whats going on, ten, you get a job as a teacher, eleven, you get a job as a janitor. Lets move!" with that the three doctors moved out. The tenth doctor soon found himself teaching muggle studies to some huffelpuffs. "well" asked the doctor. "what do we do here?" "we dissect muggel body's!" a boy in the front row. The tenth doctor felt sick "you're kidding, right?" "of course" said the boy. "we disect live muggels!"

the tenth doctor screamed and jumped out the window. Witch was a problem, because the classroom was in the dungeons, so he was stuck underground. Meanwhile, the war and ninth doctors had arrived at the headmasters office. "hello" the war doctor said to Dumbledore, while picking up the sorting hat. "were here to see whats going on." with that he tried the hat on. "**the universty of nevada!" **the hat shouted. "well, that's embarrassing." muttered the war doctor, before tossing the hat out the window. "**im free!" **the hat shouted, before exploding when it hit the ground. "darn kids planted some more land mines." mused Dumbledore.

Suddenly, everything turned into legos. "cool" said the ninth doctor, taking of his arm and staring at it. Suddenly everything turned back to realistic. "ARGHH!" the ninth doctor screamed. The war doctor rolled his eyes and took him to the hospital wing.

Meanwhile, the eleventh doctor was planing how he would become a janitor. He planed to knock out filch, steal his clothes, sell his clothes for enough money to enter the lottery, and use the winnings from that to bribe some one to buy him janitors clothes. He finally deiced to just knock out filch and leave him in the hallway. Suddenly, luna lovegood and harry potter eloped. "no!" the eleventh doctor shouted. "whats wrong?" asked a student. "harry and luna just got married! I shipped luna with nevile!" "really?" asked the student. "i shipped her with dobby." " I thought she would end up with cedric digory." said a student who was walking by. Another student piped up. "i shipped draco on the titanic. It sank and he drowned to death." everyone stared at him.

Meanwhile, the tenth doctor finally dug his way out, and into the greenhouse. "what are you doing here?" asked madam pomfrey. "i am running from some scary huffelpufs." replied the tenth doctor. Madam pomfrey laughed. "silly man, we dont have huffelpufs anymore. We have Studebakers." ten looked around and indeed saw the greenhouse was full of cars. "my apologies. I must have been hallucinating." he said, before leaving.

Finally all four doctors met up outside the castle. "how did things go?" asked eleven. Ten was still in shock. Nine had his arm stitched back on. And war had left for the university of Nevada. "about as well as normal." said nine. "but look! I got a cat!" he said happily, petting the animal. "i think I will name her marry sue" he said. With that, the four doctors left for further adventures. (and to this day, the people of hogwarts do not know what happened to professor mcgonagall.)


	3. Chapter 3

"welcome to TOP GEAR!" shouted ten, as the camera panned and zoomed over the cheering crowd before finally settling on the three hosts, the ninth tenth and eleventh doctors. "thanks for coming out tonight!" ten continued. "that's right. We totally respect you're religious choice to be attracted to dudes." everyone stared at him. "moving on" nine said quickly. "tonight we have a TOP GEAR special. We were ordered to buy cars for under 6000000 quid, and meat in Nome, Alaska. "Of course, being the only one with any sense, I arrived first" eleven monolog ed.

The bow tie waring doctor stepped out of is car, just know arriving at the first meeting point. "as you can see, I have chosen a black, 48, two wheel drive, dodge pickup." he said, describing his white, 84, four wheel drive, ford minivan. Ten was the next one to arrive. On a bicycle. Finally, nine showed up in a grand pre. "um... this is a car some random dude with a gun made me buy." he said. Ten and eleven argued about there vehicles before descending into wrestling again, while nine watched and stroked marry sue. Finally, a man in a white coat arrived with a envelope. It was a mail bomb.

After the three doctors recovered, another man arrived with an envelope. Ten promptly beat him with a croquet mallet. "no! Wait! Im the TOP GEAR guy!" the man shouted. Ten drooped the mallet, picked up the letter and read it. "you must drive to Argentina" was all it said. "OK" eleven said. "simple enough. First one there wins!" and with that, ten and eleven took of for south America. Nine got confused and began to drive towards the north pole.

Passing threw Canada, eleven called ten on the radio. "what do you suppose happened to the actual TOP GEAR hosts?" he asked. "plot convince" replied ten. Suddenly eleven got a different call on the radio. "hello?" "stop breaking the fourth wall!" yelled the ninth doctor over the radio. Eleven rolled his eyes and hung up. Finally, the doctors (well, two of them anyways) arrived at the Mexican border. "we will need to modify are vehicles to get threw south America. Que the music!" ten said. The second doctor came in, playing his recorder. Eleven hit him with a croquet mallet. "you're not in this story." he told him angrily. With that the time lords began their work.

Eleven painted a giant fez on his car. Ten turned his bicycle into a unicycle. Nine was chased by a polar bear. With that done, the epic car journey continued. Except for nine, who got stuck trying to free some whales. Long story. "well here we are. Argentine" ten exclaimed, after many hot and cramped days driving threw the jungles later. This period wasn't covered because there was nothing scripted to happen. "since this is the end of the episode you should say something funny" eleven told him. Ten thought for a second before saying "why did the chicken cross the road? I don't know but in soviet Russia, chickens cross YOU!" eleven stared at him. The two started to try to strangle eatchother, as the credits rolled.

"and that's what happened while you were away at the university of Nevada!" nine proudly finished his story, smiling happily at the war doctor. The war doctor punched him in the face.


	4. Chapter 4

Now that war doctor were back from university, the four doctors decided to go back to normal adventures, unfortunately, that would be a boring story, so that's not going to happen. The T.A.R.D.I.S (terrible adventure rhino dogs in space) landed in Tibet. The four doctors stepped out of the doors, only to come face with the twelfth doctor. They looked at each other for a second before the younger doctors shouted "GET HIM!" "what?" twelve asked. War doctor punched him in the face. Eleven sung "the wheels on the bus go round and round". Ten hit him with a croquet bat. Nine tripped and fell back inside the tardis.

"why are you doing this to me?" yelled twelve, trying to fend the others off. "because of you, were not the doctor anymore!" ten said. "but that's not true. Hes why you're not the doctor anymore." twelve responded, pointing to eleven. Ten started trying to strangle eleven , while twelve ran for his life. War doctor rolled his eyes, grabbed his older self's and went back into the tardis, knocking nine over again. "he wont make it far. We have a tardis!" he exclaimed, pushing a button on the counsel. The four doctors tardis appeared , and the doctors ran out... to see twelves tardis disappear.

"oh yeah, he has one too" ten said. "this is you're fault!" eleven yelled, going to attack ten, but ran into nine, who of course was knocked down the side of the mountain. War doctor separated them (again) and forced them back in the tardis. "how are we going to follow them?" ten asked himself. "we will never catch him" "yes we will, sandshoes." eleven said. "all we have to do is use technobabble!" "hes right" said the war doctor. "you see, tardises leave a trail of techy sounding stuff. If we can calibrate the thingy, combing it with the whatsit, we can follow him." "but" said ten, getting in on the action. "what about the plot stuffy and space gibberish?" "oh that's no problem. We will simply go to the fifth dimension, and come back in threw the convince anomaly." eleven said. They all stared at eatch other. "the author really needs to take a science class" war doctor said. Just then, nine burst in threw the doors. "stop breaking the fourth wall! Now get us out of here." "why?" inquired eleven. "because the yeti is chasing me!" "don't be ridiculous" scoffed war doctor. "there's no such thing. Ill prove it"

war doctor opened the door to see... a pop band consisting of lady gaga, Justin bieber, hank Williams jr and a opera singer. They were called "the yetis". War doctor slammed the doors shut and shuddered. Ten and eleven were sympathetic for him. Nine wasn't because he had slammed nines fingers in the door. The four doctors punched the correct coordinates into the control thingy, and they were off! Soon they caught up with twelve, and rammed his tardis out of the vortex and into tombstone Arizona, 1882.

the four doctors jumped out of their tardis on main street, each with their special western gear. Eleven had a stetson. Ten had a bowler. War doctor had a top hat. Nine had marry sue, who munched on his hair. On the other side of main street was twelve, wearing... his underwear. But since he was wearing his normal clothes over them, no one cared. "this town isn't big enough for the four of us." war doctor said, striding forwards. "one of us will have to go." taking this as an order, ten and eleven tried to kill eatch other. After the war doctor specified he meant twelve, the five doctors faced each other, four on one. They all fired. They all hit nine. Seriously, did you expect something else? Out of bullets, twelve pulled out his sonic screwdriver! War doctor rolled his eyes. "what are you going to do, build a Cabinet at me?" twelve promptly built a cabinet and threw it at war, but missed and hit nine. "WHY DOES THE UNIVERSE HATE ME?" he yelled.

And then, some major plot point happened. "hello" said the army man. "im major plot point." great, know my own story is insulting my spelling. Anyways, suddenly... twelves mind was transferred to nine! Why? Because I said so.

CLIF HANGER


	5. Chapter 5

The other three doctors stared at nine, until he jumped up with a confused cry of "fantastic kidnyes!" "i dont think he is well" ten muttered to eleven. "whats youre name?" the war doctor asked, striding forwards. The ninth... twelth?... the other doctor thought for a second before replieing. "i am the twelth doctor" he hit himself in the face. "i mean ninth". War doctor rolled his eyes. "wich side is nine?" the ninth doctor pointed ot his right side. War doctor nodded and punched nine in the right side of the face. "right, twelve plus nine is twenty one, so youre the tweny first doctor. Lets go. Sandshoes, grab twelves body." ten rolled his eyes and grabbed twelves bodys feet and dragged him into the tardis. "where do I put it?" he asked. "ill take care of him" said eleven. Eleven stuck him in the frige. "right, we should go to narnia. They will be able to fix this there." "um...what?" asked doctor 21, but it was too late, they were off again. They soon reapeared in the woods between the worlds. The five doctors stepped out and looked around. "ok" said eleven. "me and war doctor will try this pool, and 21 and eleven can try that one" the doctors agreed and started, but there was a loud shout from behind them, causing them to turn around. Out of the woods stepped... a man in a brown trench coat and fedora. "what do you want?" asked war doctor. The man shrugged. "im just hear for my obligatory cameo." with that he left. The doctors rolled their eyes and contiuned. Ten and 21 arived in charn after jumping threw the portal. It was the time of the climatic battle, to decied the fate of the world. Ten looked around, grabbed a paint brush and begain drawing a big red four on a near by wall. "this is hardly the time for this." grumbled 21. ten ignored him, finished writing, picked up a nearby hammer, and destroyed the wall. "stop breaking the fourth wall!" shouted half of 21. the other half yelled "kidneys!" ten rolled his eyes. "that should do for this chapters running gags." meanwhile, eleven and war doctor had arived in narnia. There they meat a talking goldfish. Unfortuntly, since it is perfectly aceptible to kill fish in every movie ever (except finding nemo) the doctors had some nice fish sticks. Back in charn, specificly the royal palace, jades and her little sister were face to face. "you have lost, jades." the sister said. "give up youre t.v privalges." jades sneered. "never! Dad said I could keep them!" "father did always like you best." the sister mumbled. "you have forced my hand, sister. You used magic, you cheater!" jades replied. The sister looked confused. "i used it to brush my teeth." she said. "foolish sister!" jades said, shaking her head. "are deal said no magic. So since you cheated I will use the deplorebal word!" the sister thought for a second before coming up with her daring last words. "aw, dang." "**SPONGE BOB SQAURE PANTS!"** jades yelled. Ten and 21 looked, as on the horion apeared a giant shock wave from the deplorebale word. "well, time to leave." ten said, stating the obvious. All three (two?) doctors ran and jumped threw the random portal back to the wood between the worlds. There they meat war and ten. Who were missing there shirts. And had no hair. And were painted blue. "dont ask" grumbled war doctor as they all climbed into the tardis and tock off, contiuning there quest to separate 21 back into nine and twelve.


	6. Chapter 6

"oh no!" shouted war doctor, as he and the others entered the tardis. "what is it?" ten asked running over to his side. "i fell a great disturbance, as if...the author was getting bored and wanted to end the series!" the other doctors gasped. Yes it was true, the almighty power of 67 shaper lords descended upon the tardis and instantly reset everything. 21 was split back into nine and twelve. War was returned to the war. Eleven and ten found themselves back were they belonged. And so the amazingly short run of six chapters cam to a close. "well, the author could always right a sequel" nine mused to himself. Stop breaking the fourth wall, nine.

Anyways, there should always be a little "where are they now?" segment at the end of a story, so here is mine. The war doctor, with his degree, returned to Hogwarts and got a job as astronomy teacher. Nine went back in time to save himself from dying by injecting himself with nanogenes so he could survive his kiss with rose. Unfortunately, younger nine had an allergic reaction to the nanogenes and regenerated anyways. Ten and eleven held a contest to see which of them was liked better. The sixth doctor won. And finally, twelve continued his adventures, still not sure what happened. And that's the end. We will never hear them again. honest


End file.
